NICK'S LIST How to make alot of money in 5 easy steps

NICK'S LIST:  (From a friend, who can't seem to create his own blog)


How to make alot of money in 5 easy steps



Hello. You can call me Nick. My name is Nick, so it works out quite well. As you may have noticed, the economy is doing a pretty good job of sinking, making money pretty hard to come by, especially if you're poor like me. I know money isn't everything, but it does make paying rent alot easier. And since my landlord won't accept gratitude as payments, I was left in a pickle. I needed money. Real money. The countable kind. And fast. So, after what seemed like minutes of slightly focused thought, I devised a 5 step plan. This morning I tested it out. Lets just say... It works. After the "beta run," I brought home a few hundred thousand bucks. It's quick, easy and can be done from anywhere (except space). What is this genius plan, you ask?

Childcare.

There are kids everywhere. Yes, there are other childcare services out there; restaurants: CPS: and old guys on park benches. But my plan is way different. My operation will personalize and enhance the time spent with the children, making memories they will never forget.

STEP 1 SECURE THE RIDE

Step one: Remember this is before you get the kids- You have to figure out where you're going to store them. If you're like me, then having a bunch of short, thieving, drunk assholes pissing all over your apartment sounds alot like a quick trip to Suicide-ville. So, I opted for a more portable solution. A vehicle helps in multiple ways. It not only allows you to offer the service of picking up and dropping off, but allows you to get them food, and put them to sleep easier. You can use your own car, but remember, the more kids you get the more money, so I went with a van. Vans can be found at rental agencies, shopping malls and mental institutions. I got lucky and found mine in the alley behind the porn and golf shop. It was perfect; big: spacious: no windows. (Note: small children don't like bright lights. It hurts them, and I hear sunlight can kill them.) So, I lucked out. And the van was even left running for me. (Note: Make sure the vehicle is kid friendly.) My van was a little dirty, so I picked up all the needles and water balloons, scrubbed the seats with bleach and headed out.
Knowing I probably had a long day in the van, I prepared a daytrip bag, and brought along a few cds for the ride. While putting my cds in the glove box, I noticed a gun shaped gun. I was going to just leave it, but then I thought, "What if one of the kids get it?" I don't need some bossy, half-sizer forcing me to drive his short ass to mexico for strippers and donkey shows. So, I tucked the gun in my belt, put the panty hose over my head (don't judge, its cheaper than sun screen and my skin is sensitive) and I started my day.

STEP 2 PICKING UP CHILDREN

Step two: Probably one of the more obvious of the steps- Get kids. (You can't have a childcare service without children.) (If any have found a way around this step, please email me. It would save me a day of migraines.) It's not as hard as I thought to find kids. They're at stores, parks, and sometimes just playing in yards. Just pull up, get out, and get them. It's good to have some candy for them. Luckily, there was some left in the van in little bags. If they can talk, just let them know that you are doing their parents a favor, and by helping you, their parents won't cry. I'm probably alot cheaper than most childcare services, and I don't know of many that will actually pick them up with candy and drinks. In the case of cryers, you have to use your "outside" screaming voice, so they will hear you. And just ask them if they love their parents. When they nod all snotty nosed and puffy eyed, you just reassure them that if they are good, their parents wont hurt. I would say "financially hurt," but try explaining finances to a crying child. Remember to keep it simple for the kids.

STEP 3 LUNCH TIME

Step three: The one I nearly forgot- You need to feed them. (Note: Never after midnight.) I would advise steering clear of chain restaurants. Most don't use real bread, and I don't trust clowns. Try a local place, like a diner or coffee shop. They usually have picture menus, and kids love the coffee. I actually got our food for free. We walked in, and everyone was so impressed by my childcaring skills, they quickly gave us what we wanted and then laid on the floor. (Must be some kind of religious thing. I'm not a big "church head," but to each his own.) They even tipped me two hundred and something bucks as we left.


STEP 4 KILLING TIME

Step four is going to be a hard one for alot of people. But it's inevitable. I didn't really know how I was going to do it at first. But after alot of thought and meditation, I plotted a good number of cool ways to do it. First, I figured a good sing-along would do it, but a couple of the lil' bastards weregriping about being thirsty. Luckily, I remembered the cooler. There was a six pack left, and I still had my bottle opener on my keychain. Once we finished our drinks, everyone felt like singing, which I was excited about, until we figured out they didn't know any of the songs I had on cd. So, I had to play "music teacher." We were working our way through Manson's "Antichrist Superstar," when I noticed the sun had already set.

STEP 5 DROP OFF

Which brings me to our last step: Figuring out how to get ahold of their parents, and where to drop the kids off at. This one can be tricky. I asked one of the little boys who his daddy was and he started crying, saying he didn't know. Awkward. But eventually, he told me his moms number, as did most of the others. A couple of numbers I had to find online, which took forever. (Note to parents: Please teach your kid how to spell his/her last name. It makes this whole process so much easier.) Thats the hard part. Next, you just contact the parents, and let them know that you have their kids. Most of them ask what you want, so I found that since I really don't know how much to charge for my services, I just told them to pay what they think it's worth. Once they agree, they pick a spot and I let them know they don't need to go out of their way, or anything out of the ordinary. (A proximity convenience thing.) Then, well.. You drop the little boogers off! It was a sad moment for me, in a way. I figured I would miss their little watery eyes, and slurred profanities. But then I remembered, there's always tomorrow. Which got me thinking.. Man, I hope I did a good enough job. But my worries were put to rest by one of the parents' enthusiastic praises. He told me he would let everyone know what I'm doing, and he will find me soon. When your customers are spreading the word for you, without you even asking, well.. That speaks volumes. Plus, he's going to look me up next time, so win-win.



I know your thinking to yourself, "This is too good to be true." I thought that at first too, then I counted all that cash, and well... God bless America. I was thinking of a name for my business to put on the van. Something like, "Nick's Kids-Napping and Fun-Time." If you have any name ideas, please email me. I've got to wrap this up. The police just knocked on my door, and apparently, they need my help with a case, answering some questions or something. My work is never done. So, looks like next weeks article might be "Become a Super Hero in Five or Six Easy Steps." Until then.... Wait.

 

Nick